


You Deserve This

by undernightlight



Series: Gays in Space [23]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Angst, Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:34:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23163337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/undernightlight/pseuds/undernightlight
Summary: Ash wakes up from a nightmare and struggles to get it together again before his shift starts. Chris notices something is wrong, and he's worried.
Relationships: Christopher Pike/Ash Tyler | Voq
Series: Gays in Space [23]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/951465
Comments: 2
Kudos: 27





	You Deserve This

**Author's Note:**

> So this has just been chillin' in my drive since October? And I forgot about it?? Not sure how that happened but yeah, so I thought I'd get it out of drive and on here. I reread bits before posting, but not all of it, whoops, but maybe someone will enjoy, who knows.

Ash woke up struggling for air, feeling choked, feeling drowned in sweat and dark memories that he so badly wished he could forget. He coughed to get his breath back, having to sit up or he really would choke. Dragging his hands down his face, he tried to focus his mind, but before his eyes, images kept flickering, back to times on the Klingon prison ship, to L’Rell’s weight atop him, to the suffering, never ending pain and torture and agony, and the feeling of wanting nothing more than dead.

Two hundred and twenty seven days. Almost seven months. He’d read stories from trauma victims, and they all wrote that they remembered every day. Maybe he just wasn’t reading wide enough because he didn’t remember every day. When he was aboard the ship time stretched and blurred and faded, and he never knew how long it’d been since his last beating.

He tried to pull himself away, but he was struggling. When he glanced to his clock, he decided he could get up. Up over an hour before his normal time, but the idea of normality seemed difficult and fleeting. He wobbled when he stood, and he braced himself on the wall as best he could. The room spun around him, but he managed to stagger to the bathroom. He hoped that maybe a shower would help and it did, partially. The searing hot water was enough of a temporary distraction from the internal torment.

With his hair still wet, he lay back down. The ceiling was boring and plain, and did not distract his attentions for long. He was restless in his body, in his mind and in his physical form. He was Klingon. He is Klingon. He doesn’t know who or what he is any more.

Dressing was routine. He got used to the Starfleet uniform quickly again, but there was something he missed about the Section 31 attire, all heavy and thick, leather and straps. He felt contained, secure, safe. He felt exposed in Starfleet clothes, like they weren’t meant for him, like when a child plays dress-up in their parents wardrobe.

Thirty minutes early, he left for his shift. He didn’t have a set schedule or times he should be around, but he quickly fell into step with the alpha rotation. When he reached the bridge, he was expecting the gamma shift to be clearing up, setting off early if they could, and he wasn’t wrong. He was surprised when he saw Chris already in his captain’s chair, reading off a padd. He turned when he heard the door and offered Ash a smile when he stepped onto the bridge. Ash struggled to return one, even though part of him wanted to.

One good thing about being aboard Discovery - there were a few, but it wasn’t all good of course - was Chris. Somehow, despite being quite different people, they found comfort in each other, and had fallen into bed on more than one occasion. That was how it started, one mildly aggressive sexual encounter that seemed to unravel into something more. It evolved into something softer and warmer, to where sex was just one aspect but was not the dominating one. Ash liked it, and when he was in Chris’ arms, it was when he felt most safe.

He’d been lucky. In all the times they’d slept in the same bed, he’d never had a nightmare or night terror. He didn’t want to have to explain that to Chris. Though he was sure Chris would understand - this was Christopher Pike we’re talking about - he just didn’t want to say it out loud, say it to someone could judge him, you could metaphorically kick him to the curb, leaving him colder than ever.

Ash took his post, relieving the officer in place, and he attempted to busy himself. He wasn’t sure how long it’d been until Chris appeared near him, but alpha shift had yet to start. “Mr Tyler, is everything alright?” His voice was low and quiet, but still formal enough that if anyone somehow overheard, it wouldn’t seem odd. Ash was used to both version of Chris, the ‘Captain Pike’ and the ‘Just Chris’. After getting to know ‘Just Chris’, the Captain, at times, put him on edge.

“Fine sir,” he replied, but even he didn’t believe that, and he knew Chris wouldn’t. He couldn’t dare to look up at him.

“Are you sure?”

What exactly it was that Chris was seeing, he wasn’t sure, though he didn’t doubt he looked like shit, but he so often did. “Yes sir, I’m fine.” Chris definitely knew something was wrong, but one of the many things Ash liked about Chris was that he knew when to push and he knew when to step back, and in that moment, he knew to give Ash space.

“Okay, just wanted to be sure.” He quickly and gently rested a hand on Ash’s arm before returning to his chair. Ash watched him walk and sit back down, picking up his padd and reading again. Not once did Chris’ attention turn back to him, and he was grateful, though he was sure that didn’t stop Chris worrying - Chris worried about nearly everything even when he didn’t have cause to. Ash was unsure if Chris needed to worry.

# # # # # #

The day uneventful yet stressful for Ash Tyler. He was determined to keep clear of everyone, including Chris. On the bridge, he kept his head down and worked quietly, and he was lucky that nothing required him to speak to the Captain.

Around the corridors, it was easier to keep away from him, but harder to avoid the other few crewmembers he definitely didn’t want to see; Commander Stamets and Doctor Culber were an obvious two, especially what recently happened with Culber. He didn’t necessarily care that they fought, but he did care about how the crew would perceive the doctor, and Ash’s guilt most likely couldn’t handle another bout. Stamets was better with him, and they could pass each other in the corridor with Stamets trying the burn holes through him in just a stare, but it was still tense. Ash was surprised when Stamets told him he forgave him, and Ash nearly burst into tears but he managed to restrain himself. The Commander had said now with Hugh back there was no reason to hold such anger and hater, though he did admit it probably won’t completely go anytime soon, if ever. It was more than enough for Ash, who barely spoke during the conversation. When they passed each other, Stamets would try to offer a smile that Ash found he couldn’t really return, but he wasn’t sure if Stamets expected he could anyway.

It was the end of the rotation and he headed back to his quarters. He changed his bed sheets and quickly pulled the uniform from his body, settling on something comfier and less heavy on his conscious. But he was still restless. It had gotten better throughout the day but it hadn’t left, and now along and with nothing to do, it came back with full force.

He wanted Chris, he knew that, but it took him a significantly long time to muster up enough energy and emotional control to go over and see him. Even while walking across to his quarters, Ash was unsure, and felt like turning back and running straight to his quarters. But he wanted to see Chris, to hold him or be held by him and be surrounded by his warmth, so he pressed on. He tried to keep himself composed, bracing himself for questions Chris undoubtedly would have, before ringing the door.

It opened a second or two later to reveal Chris already changed out of uniform. He looked almost surprised to see Ash. “Hi, I didn’t know if I’d see you tonight.”

They had a routine, who went to whose quarters when, and it was indeed a day for Ash to go to Chris. Ash nodded. “Can I come in?”

“Yeah, of course,” and Chris stepped aside, allowing Ash to slip in with ease.

Normally, once Ash was inside, he’d turn around and slip in to Chris’ embrace and they’d kiss, but Ash couldn’t yet bring himself to truly look Chris in the eye, so couldn’t turn around to meet him, no matter how much Ash wanted to. He suddenly felt arms around his waist from behind, and then Chris against his back, holding him tightly. This was new, but when Chris said, “Whatever it is, it’s going to be okay, I promise,” Ash felt like he was home. He focused so hard on keeping it together, that he would see Chris and he’d be okay, and now, he felt ready to break, and he’d barely even seen Chris.

He reached up to wrap his hand atop of Chris’, and when Chris pulled him closer - which Ash didn’t think was possible - that was enough, and the first of many broken and strangled sounds escaped him. It was quiet enough to not draw immediate attention, but when another and another followed, Chris had to pull himself away. Ash tried to hold on to him, to his warmth, but it was gone and his back felt like ice, but then Chris was in front of him, looking up with the softest smile Ash had ever seen.

“I’m here, okay?” He said, his hands on Ash’s arms. “Whatever’s going on, I’m here. I ain’t going anywhere.” Ash was pulled into a tight embrace and he just began to cry, sobbing uncontrollably as he clung to Chris like he was all he had left. He’d felt a mess all day, but now more than he had in awhile, latching on, getting tears and snot on Chris’ shirt that would no doubt sink through to his skin, and yet Chris didn’t seem to care. He just held him tight, fingers running though hair at the back of his neck, comforting him the best he could.

This wasn’t the plan. Ash was just going to come here, see Chris, say he was tired and that he wanted to rest, and then he would get into Chris’ bed and wait for him to join him, whether it be a few minutes or a few hours, and then drift off comfortably wrapped up. He wasn’t coming here to cry. He didn’t come here to be a mess. He didn’t come here to put extra weight on Chris’ already strained shoulders, yet that was what was happening.

It took him a long time to calm down, and even then Chris didn’t pull away and back off; he was waiting for Ash to make that move, and though Ash never wanted to let go, he had to step back slightly, but found his hands being taken by Chris’ so he couldn’t escape, couldn’t run away.

“What’s going on Ash?” Chris said. He was worried, Ash could tell, but he couldn’t find any words that would make things okay, so he just held on tight to Chris’ hand. “We don’t have to talk about it if it’s too much,” and Ash managed to nod to that, “But if whatever is going on persists, I want you to talk to somebody. It doesn’t have to be me if you rather it wouldn’t, but somebody.”

In a quiet voice, the best he could muster, “I’d rather it be you. And...I might be able to talk.”

“I don’t want to force you. You don’t have to tell me anything, I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

Ash finally managed to look Chris in the eyes, seeing only acceptance and honest worry shining back. “I’m not okay.”

Chris pulled on him gently, leading him to the bed to sit down. Every movement was so soft and so much care was taken. Ash, to an extent, was used to it - that was just how Chris was - but in the state he was in, it all just seemed more than he was worthy of.

The time of day had given him ample opportunities to rethink everything, from the prison ship to Discovery to becoming Torchbearer to Section 31, and he realised how much of his life was caked in death and destruction and anger and hate, and how he couldn’t seem to escape it.

Chris kept a hold of his hands until Ash need to pull them free to run them through his hair. Chris was patient, waiting for him to start talking if he wanted to, or to collapse back into sheets and pillows if that was for the best.

His voice was shaky. “I woke up from...nightmares. I get them a lot, since the Klingon prison ship. Normally, I wake up in the middle of the night and after I’ve calmed down, I can get back to sleep, or there’s just enough time before my shift that I’m fine by the time it starts.” His hand was already trembling. “It was bad this time. I...it really unsettled me.” He couldn’t go into details, but knowing Chris would never ask that of him, helped calm him, just a little. “I know I’ve been through shit, but I’ve caused so much pain as well, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to deal with that.”

It fell quiet. The movement was so gentle and subtle but Ash still saw Chris’ hand reach out to rest on his leg, giving him ample time to retreat if needed. “One day at a time,” Chris said, “It’s not easy, and I know I...I can’t speak like I know what you went through, but I will be here for you.”

“I don’t deserve-”

“You deserve everything.”

Ash’s eyes darted to Chris, his attention previously on the floor. Chris did not interrupt people, he made it a point to always hear what someone had to stay start to finish, so the abrupt injection knocked the air from Ash’s lungs.

“You’ve been through a lot, but that doesn’t make you less deserving of anything. What happened unfortunately happened, and there is nothing that can be done, but we can move forward. You deserve to be happy Ash, even if you don’t think that. Because you are loved and you are wanted and cared for, and it’s all deserved.”

Chris voice was strong but gentle the entire time he spoke, and Ash wanted to cry again but he didn’t think there was anything left in him. He couldn’t even nod, he couldn’t move, but Chris came to him, shuffling closer. “I didn’t mean to interrupt. Are you okay?” He didn’t know how to respond, but he had to, otherwise Chris would worry and he’d already worried him enough.

“I will be. Thank you.”

Chris nodded, before stretching forward and planting a gentle kiss on his temple. “How about we get some sleep?” With a nod, Chris helped Ash strip down to just his underwear and then he followed suite, and they climbed into bed together, Ash curling himself around Chris and resting his head on his chest.

It was quiet for a while before Ash spoke again, his voice barely above a whisper. “Would it be wrong to say I love you?”

“Not if you mean it.”

“I mean it.”

There was a pause and Ash thought for a moment he’d ruined everything, until Chris said, “I mean it too,” and then everything felt better. Ash wasn’t okay. In the morning he’d be okay, a temporary okay but he’d be there. The permanent okay, where he always felt good and he accepted his past, was very far off, and he knew that and Chris knew that, but it seemed that Chris wasn’t going anywhere, and that gave Ash that he could one day be okay.


End file.
